Friday, December 10, 2010

So you made the Playoffs...

Think you're pretty smart, huh?  
Well guess what. You're in the top 50% of your league, and that's still an

Your job isn't over yet, Champ.  This first round isn't going to be a cakewalk.  It's going to be the exact opposite.  It's going to be a...shrimpcocktailrun?  
Whatever it is, it's going to require a lot of thought.  A lot of patience.  A lot of will power.

How have you played all year?  What got you into this position?  
Did you play the same basic starting lineup all year, or did you switch it up based on the matchup or projections?  
It's do or die now, so should you stick to your guns or mix it up a bit?
I know you're asking these questions to yourself, and I know you want the answers from me.
Well, I'm not a guru.

But I am a GENIUS.
And the genius in me says stick to your guns.  The playoffs truly started 3-4 weeks ago.  As the race for the playoffs began every game became a must win.  And whatever strategy propelled you to this level is the one which will take you to the championship match.  
If you've played the same lineup all year, keep it up.  There's no reason to bench your stars now.  Here's a personal example.
Boras has to decide between Andre Johnson and Wes Welker.  Welker has been hotter than a Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis lesbian scene, but Andre is a perennial fantasy titan.  Assuming both players are healthy and ready to go, who should I start?  Well, aside from making a trade every other week, I've gone with my big time players all year.  Welker's been riding my bench, and that's where he's going to stay.

What if Welker blows up for the 5th straight week and Andre drops another 3-bomb?  
Yeah, what if?  That's fantasy football.  There's a reason I put Andre on my team, and it's because he can put up 30.  Welker may outscore Johnson, but he isn't the kind of monster that got me to this place. 
Dre Stays.
That's called sticking to your guns.  I may well use one of those guns to shoot myself in the face, but I won't sit there and doubt myself.  
And don't worry.  All of my guns are Nerf.

Don't have doubts, fellow playoffers.  Don't switch up your strategy now.  If you're a matchup guy, keep studying.  If you're a player guy, keep believing.  

Here's Boras' Top 10 QBs/WRs/RBs for the weekend (excluding any Colts or Titans)

    1.   Michael Vick
       2.   Aaron Rodgers
 3.   Tom Brady
    4.   Phillip Rivers
   5.   Drew Brees
  6.   Joe Flacco
  7.   Matt Ryan
              8.   Ben Roethlisberger
9.   Jon Kitna
 10. Kyle Orton

        1.  Adrian Peterson
                2.  Maurice Jones-Drew
       3.  Michael Turner
   4.  Peyton Hillis
    5.  Arian Foster
                6.  Knowshon Moreno
7.  Ray Rice
          8.  Steven Jackson
         9.  Jamaal Charles
                10.  Rashard Mendenhall


     1.  Roddy White
        2.  Brandon Lloyd
       3.  Greg Jennings
           4.  DeSean Jackson
         5.  Calvin Johnson
         6.  Anquan Boldin
             7.  Marques Colston
          8.  Andre Johnson
         9.  Terrell Owens
     10.  Wes Welker

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So you missed the playoffs...

You must be pissed.  You must feel...

You waited months for fantasy football to get back into your life.  You spent weeks preparing for your draft with mock drafts, magazines, meditation, and colon cleansers.  You stayed up late and woke up early waiting for updated projections.  You made sneaky trades, you made clutch waiver pickups, you made genius roster adjustments.
So why the hell didn't you make the playoffs?  
Isn't it obvious?


Why beat around the bush when we all know we should be punching the bush right in its stupid rapist nose.

Fact is, you blew it this year.  Here are some typical causes of a lost year:

1)  The Dumb Drafter
Chances are you picked your big sleeper picks a few rounds too early.  You picked a tight end not named Gates before round 7.  You drank too much and took a 10 minute "auto-draft" nap.  You picked the Jets D and said, "Fuck yeah!"  

2)  The Late to the Waiver Partyer
You consistently made your waiver picks hours or minutes before kickoff.  Instead of doing 1.5-3.2 minutes of research and waiver selections on Tuesday, you waited until Sunday morning to select your backups.  Instead of landing Brandon Lloyd, you got Eddie Royal.  Instead of Michael Vick, you got Mark Sanchez.  Instead of Peyton Hillis, you got Chester Taylor.  
Fantasy isn't a 7 day a week job.  It's a 15 minute a week job with 12 hours of sitting, watching, drinking, farting.  You weren't free to set your waiver picks on Tuesday?  I bet you spent an hour on Facebook, LIAR.  

3)  The Failed GM
You took Boras' advice and made some trades.  Unfortunately, you traded away some of your best players for pieces of shit.  It's ok.  It happens.  But only to idiots.  
The Failed GM typically has 3 vices - sentimentality, 1wP Syndrome, small brain.

Sentimentality - you wanted one of your favorite players (from your home team or from a previous fantasy team) on your squad.  A Smart GM knew you wanted him, and milked you for one or two of your best players.  You felt giddy and warm inside until you realized your team lost 30 points a week in the trade.  Meanwhile the Smart GM is swimming around in his silo of golden fantasy gods like Scrooge McDuck.

1wP Syndrome or One Week Panic Syndrome - a solid fantasy player had one or two below average weeks.  Being as short-sighted as you are, you figured trading away this player for next to nothing would somehow make up for your bad week.  What you instead did was make your next few weeks worse.  You're the idiot who traded Greg Jennings, Michael Turner, MJD, and Dwayne Bowe.  

Small Brain - no explanation wouldn't understand it anyway.

For you Failures of Fantasy Football, there's always next year.  Battle it out in your consolation bracket.  There's no glory in winning it, but there is sometimes the option of getting the 1st pick in the draft next year.  Though you'll probably use your first pick on Shonn Greene, at least you can claim you won something.