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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So you missed the playoffs...

You must be pissed.  You must feel...


You waited months for fantasy football to get back into your life.  You spent weeks preparing for your draft with mock drafts, magazines, meditation, and colon cleansers.  You stayed up late and woke up early waiting for updated projections.  You made sneaky trades, you made clutch waiver pickups, you made genius roster adjustments.
So why the hell didn't you make the playoffs?  
Isn't it obvious?

YOU SUCK!

Why beat around the bush when we all know we should be punching the bush right in its stupid rapist nose.

Fact is, you blew it this year.  Here are some typical causes of a lost year:

1)  The Dumb Drafter
Chances are you picked your big sleeper picks a few rounds too early.  You picked a tight end not named Gates before round 7.  You drank too much and took a 10 minute "auto-draft" nap.  You picked the Jets D and said, "Fuck yeah!"  

2)  The Late to the Waiver Partyer
You consistently made your waiver picks hours or minutes before kickoff.  Instead of doing 1.5-3.2 minutes of research and waiver selections on Tuesday, you waited until Sunday morning to select your backups.  Instead of landing Brandon Lloyd, you got Eddie Royal.  Instead of Michael Vick, you got Mark Sanchez.  Instead of Peyton Hillis, you got Chester Taylor.  
Fantasy isn't a 7 day a week job.  It's a 15 minute a week job with 12 hours of sitting, watching, drinking, farting.  You weren't free to set your waiver picks on Tuesday?  I bet you spent an hour on Facebook, LIAR.  

3)  The Failed GM
You took Boras' advice and made some trades.  Unfortunately, you traded away some of your best players for pieces of shit.  It's ok.  It happens.  But only to idiots.  
The Failed GM typically has 3 vices - sentimentality, 1wP Syndrome, small brain.

Sentimentality - you wanted one of your favorite players (from your home team or from a previous fantasy team) on your squad.  A Smart GM knew you wanted him, and milked you for one or two of your best players.  You felt giddy and warm inside until you realized your team lost 30 points a week in the trade.  Meanwhile the Smart GM is swimming around in his silo of golden fantasy gods like Scrooge McDuck.

1wP Syndrome or One Week Panic Syndrome - a solid fantasy player had one or two below average weeks.  Being as short-sighted as you are, you figured trading away this player for next to nothing would somehow make up for your bad week.  What you instead did was make your next few weeks worse.  You're the idiot who traded Greg Jennings, Michael Turner, MJD, and Dwayne Bowe.  

Small Brain - no explanation needed...you wouldn't understand it anyway.




For you Failures of Fantasy Football, there's always next year.  Battle it out in your consolation bracket.  There's no glory in winning it, but there is sometimes the option of getting the 1st pick in the draft next year.  Though you'll probably use your first pick on Shonn Greene, at least you can claim you won something.  

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