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Friday, December 10, 2010

So you made the Playoffs...

Think you're pretty smart, huh?  
Well guess what. You're in the top 50% of your league, and that's still an

Your job isn't over yet, Champ.  This first round isn't going to be a cakewalk.  It's going to be the exact opposite.  It's going to be a...shrimpcocktailrun?  
Whatever it is, it's going to require a lot of thought.  A lot of patience.  A lot of will power.

How have you played all year?  What got you into this position?  
Did you play the same basic starting lineup all year, or did you switch it up based on the matchup or projections?  
It's do or die now, so should you stick to your guns or mix it up a bit?
I know you're asking these questions to yourself, and I know you want the answers from me.
Well, I'm not a guru.

But I am a GENIUS.
And the genius in me says stick to your guns.  The playoffs truly started 3-4 weeks ago.  As the race for the playoffs began every game became a must win.  And whatever strategy propelled you to this level is the one which will take you to the championship match.  
If you've played the same lineup all year, keep it up.  There's no reason to bench your stars now.  Here's a personal example.
Boras has to decide between Andre Johnson and Wes Welker.  Welker has been hotter than a Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis lesbian scene, but Andre is a perennial fantasy titan.  Assuming both players are healthy and ready to go, who should I start?  Well, aside from making a trade every other week, I've gone with my big time players all year.  Welker's been riding my bench, and that's where he's going to stay.

What if Welker blows up for the 5th straight week and Andre drops another 3-bomb?  
Yeah, what if?  That's fantasy football.  There's a reason I put Andre on my team, and it's because he can put up 30.  Welker may outscore Johnson, but he isn't the kind of monster that got me to this place. 
Dre Stays.
That's called sticking to your guns.  I may well use one of those guns to shoot myself in the face, but I won't sit there and doubt myself.  
And don't worry.  All of my guns are Nerf.

Don't have doubts, fellow playoffers.  Don't switch up your strategy now.  If you're a matchup guy, keep studying.  If you're a player guy, keep believing.  

Here's Boras' Top 10 QBs/WRs/RBs for the weekend (excluding any Colts or Titans)

    1.   Michael Vick
       2.   Aaron Rodgers
 3.   Tom Brady
    4.   Phillip Rivers
   5.   Drew Brees
  6.   Joe Flacco
  7.   Matt Ryan
              8.   Ben Roethlisberger
9.   Jon Kitna
 10. Kyle Orton

        1.  Adrian Peterson
                2.  Maurice Jones-Drew
       3.  Michael Turner
   4.  Peyton Hillis
    5.  Arian Foster
                6.  Knowshon Moreno
7.  Ray Rice
          8.  Steven Jackson
         9.  Jamaal Charles
                10.  Rashard Mendenhall


     1.  Roddy White
        2.  Brandon Lloyd
       3.  Greg Jennings
           4.  DeSean Jackson
         5.  Calvin Johnson
         6.  Anquan Boldin
             7.  Marques Colston
          8.  Andre Johnson
         9.  Terrell Owens
     10.  Wes Welker

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So you missed the playoffs...

You must be pissed.  You must feel...

You waited months for fantasy football to get back into your life.  You spent weeks preparing for your draft with mock drafts, magazines, meditation, and colon cleansers.  You stayed up late and woke up early waiting for updated projections.  You made sneaky trades, you made clutch waiver pickups, you made genius roster adjustments.
So why the hell didn't you make the playoffs?  
Isn't it obvious?


Why beat around the bush when we all know we should be punching the bush right in its stupid rapist nose.

Fact is, you blew it this year.  Here are some typical causes of a lost year:

1)  The Dumb Drafter
Chances are you picked your big sleeper picks a few rounds too early.  You picked a tight end not named Gates before round 7.  You drank too much and took a 10 minute "auto-draft" nap.  You picked the Jets D and said, "Fuck yeah!"  

2)  The Late to the Waiver Partyer
You consistently made your waiver picks hours or minutes before kickoff.  Instead of doing 1.5-3.2 minutes of research and waiver selections on Tuesday, you waited until Sunday morning to select your backups.  Instead of landing Brandon Lloyd, you got Eddie Royal.  Instead of Michael Vick, you got Mark Sanchez.  Instead of Peyton Hillis, you got Chester Taylor.  
Fantasy isn't a 7 day a week job.  It's a 15 minute a week job with 12 hours of sitting, watching, drinking, farting.  You weren't free to set your waiver picks on Tuesday?  I bet you spent an hour on Facebook, LIAR.  

3)  The Failed GM
You took Boras' advice and made some trades.  Unfortunately, you traded away some of your best players for pieces of shit.  It's ok.  It happens.  But only to idiots.  
The Failed GM typically has 3 vices - sentimentality, 1wP Syndrome, small brain.

Sentimentality - you wanted one of your favorite players (from your home team or from a previous fantasy team) on your squad.  A Smart GM knew you wanted him, and milked you for one or two of your best players.  You felt giddy and warm inside until you realized your team lost 30 points a week in the trade.  Meanwhile the Smart GM is swimming around in his silo of golden fantasy gods like Scrooge McDuck.

1wP Syndrome or One Week Panic Syndrome - a solid fantasy player had one or two below average weeks.  Being as short-sighted as you are, you figured trading away this player for next to nothing would somehow make up for your bad week.  What you instead did was make your next few weeks worse.  You're the idiot who traded Greg Jennings, Michael Turner, MJD, and Dwayne Bowe.  

Small Brain - no explanation wouldn't understand it anyway.

For you Failures of Fantasy Football, there's always next year.  Battle it out in your consolation bracket.  There's no glory in winning it, but there is sometimes the option of getting the 1st pick in the draft next year.  Though you'll probably use your first pick on Shonn Greene, at least you can claim you won something.  

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

An Ode to Michael

An Ode to Michael

Boras doth ponder, so heareth his call,
"Who is the greatest Michael of all?"

Is it Jordan?

Or Jackson?

One not terribly tall?

Or the man they call Dexter, Michael C. Hall?

Such wonderful company, a great class for the name,
But if one of these you've chosen, you're fucking lame.
There is no doubt.
No thought is required.
An athlete this's about,
And one not yet retired.

This Michael can pass.
This Michael can run.
They said he had no class.
They said his career was done.

Like a Phoenix he's Risen,
From the ashes of Prison.
And he's on a Mission,
To keep his starting Position.

No more killing puppies,
He swore.
He used to drown them like guppies,
No more.

He served his sentence, 
But he's back on the attack.
Now he's boosting attendance,
Michael Vick is back.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Trouble With Twins...

Ahh, Michelle(s)...
You got it, Dude!

I heard one of the Olsen twins was used for non-speaking scenes, and one was used for most of the line deliveries.  So in other words, one looks good, but the other is actually functional.
Now neither looks good, and they do a lot of cocaine and stripping.

Football is the same.  We've got a few twins in this league, and no, I'm not talking about Ronde and Tiki:

I'm talking about twins in name only: Mike Williams North and South, and Steve Smith North and South

All four of these receivers are hyped, but one is worth the start while the other just ain't gonna cut it.
So which Michelle should you keep?

Mike Williams of Seattle Vs. Mike Williams of Tampa Bay

Mike Williams of Seattle was hyped like crazy this season, but Hassleback has been a Whack Hassle and Seattle's offense offers no upside.  

The Winner:
Mike Williams of Tampa Bay

Is he really a rookie?  He's scored near double digits in all but two weeks, and he's on pace for double digit touchdowns.  On top of that he's the number one targeted receiver on his team, and Josh Freeman is getting more confident each week.  Freeman to Williams has all the makings of Ryan to Roddy.  It's time to start Mikey with confidence.

Steve Smith of Carolina Vs. Steve Smith of New York

Panther Stefan used to be a must-start.  For such a short guy he had top 5 skills and was virtually unstoppable.  The last few years he's been Mr. Glass, and you just can't count on him week to week.  He's got good flex appeal when he's in, but the horrible QB situation in Carolina makes him our loser.

The Winner:
Steve Smith of New York

That's right, Steve.  Celebrate.
You might be concerned about Steve given the emergence of Hakeem Nicks as the greatest red zone receiver in history.  Don't be.  Steve Smith is (I know I say it a lot) the 2007-2008 Wes Welker of the Giants.  He's going to average around 6 catches a game for the rest of his life, and he isn't a stranger to the endzone.  He isn't a #1, but he's definitely not a #2.  He's like... a 1.7

So remember, folks, one twin is always evil, retarded, untalented, or short

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Blowing Boras......'s Mind

There's no denying I'm a fantasy genius.  My trades are stellar.  My waiver picks are phenomenal.  My defense is impregnable.  I will eat your children.

But seriously, I'm like the Bill Nye of fantasy knowledge.

How then, can such a SAMURAI of exquisite advice be so consistently wrong?
Mind boggling, isn't it?
It's a mystery wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a conundrum wrapped up in some buuuuullshit, Son.  

Yeah, I didn't think Hakeem Nicks or Brandon Lloyd were the real deal.  Maybe I watch too much basketball.  They both sound like draft picks the Clippers would select, and never hear from again three years later.  Nicks and Lloyd are...sigh...the real deal.  They are beasts, plain and simple.  They have officially cracked the Top 10 list of must-start wide receivers. I'd start them both over Randy Moss (duh).  I'd start them both over Anquan, Colston, Smith(s) and Miles (sorry, Kitna [another Boras flop]). Hell, I'd start them over Jennings and Fitzgerald.
Putting all that bracketing and listing aside, you really only have one fear now when it comes to Lloyd and Nicks:

 The bug.  

Fortunately for you, both of these receivers have maintained a clean bill of health, and their quarterbacks have taken notice.  Start them with pride.  Trade them for monsters.  Keep them for...keeps.  
Here are my Top 10 must-start receivers, in no particular order.

Roddy White
Andre Johnson
Calvin Johnson
Hakeem Nicks
Brandon Lloyd
Greg Jennings
DeSean Jackson
Reggie Wayne
Larry Fitzgerald

Ok, that's 9...who am I leaving out?
OH YES. How could I forget?
He's the number one fantasy receiver in football.  He's also another victim of Boras-Misvaluing.  

Owens did an awesome Mime dance in the endzone last week.  Where did he do it?  THE ENDZONE.  It's the place he found twice in that boring loss to the boring Steelers.  TO has found that endzone 7 times this year.  That's 5 more times than his TV counterpart, Ochocinco.  Ocho has recently been dubbed Ochostinko on espn. HAHAHAHA GET IT?  OCHOSTINKO: because it rhymes!!  You know what Boras calls him?


Ocho is the Wes Welker of Cincy.  A great start, a glimmer of hope, and then absolutely, positively nothing.

Back to TO: the greatest fantasy wide receiver in the history of 2010.  
Who would have suspected he would be a Top 20 receiver, let alone #1?
Not many.

So is he really a must start, or has he just been getting lucky?  Let's break him down.
We'll forgive his first three weeks as an adjustment period, though he did manage 7 catches in his debut.
Here's what he's done for you recently:

Yeah, that's right.  He's scored every week after his slow start.  He's averaging a buttload of catches.  A BUTTLOAD.  
If the amount of catches he's had were to be compared to a butt with, let's say...a pumpkin on might look like this:

I love the internet.  
That pumpkin butt is huge, and that's what TO has been...I think is the point I'm trying to make.

If you have TO, you're a remarkable human being.  Or, you are a robot.  Either way, great job, Human/Robot.
As bizarre as it is to say Terrel-Fucking-Owens is the #1 receiver, I must say I'm proud of the guy.  Boras never forgets his friends, and TO did some great things for me.
Miss you, buddy. And you don't even have to say it back, because I know you miss me too.

Well, that's all from this fantasy SAMURAI. I've gotta slice up some prosciutto.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

NFL and Prop 19

California voted and they said NO to weed.
Does this mean you should go ahead and pass on the Blount?
LaGarrette Blount
I had to resist using my archived The Punch picture.
Aw fuck it. Here ya go:

Do you really want to trust a Buc running back?
Well...hang on a second.
Let's take a look at the remainder of his schedule:


Softer than you'll get after looking at this picture of former SNL member Rachel Dratch

Yeah...that soft.  Man...she's ugly.  Debbie Downer had its moments though.

Anyway, if Blount can manage 20+ carries each game, he might just be the best waiver pick we've seen since Brandon Lloyd.

Prop 19 may have said NO, but Boras says YES!! 

Finally, it's deja vu all over again.
Randy Moss is on a new team.  Does Vince Young and an injured Kenny Britt = Fantasy Success for Moss?
With two teams and two of the best QB's in NFL history, Moss has averaged about 3 catches and around 40-50 yards per game.  He's got the 5 touchdowns, but so do a number of other receivers. I'd definitely hesitate to start him until we see a connection with Vince.
If they click, here's what you have to look forward to:


Sexy.  Very sexy.  So hang on to Mr. Moss.  As always, the potential for something big is there.
In the mean time, tune in to Titans post-game shows to catch Randy interviewing Randy.  It's gonna be fun.