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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Blowing Boras......'s Mind

There's no denying I'm a fantasy genius.  My trades are stellar.  My waiver picks are phenomenal.  My defense is impregnable.  I will eat your children.

But seriously, I'm like the Bill Nye of fantasy knowledge.

How then, can such a SAMURAI of exquisite advice be so consistently wrong?
Mind boggling, isn't it?
It's a mystery wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a conundrum wrapped up in some buuuuullshit, Son.  

Yeah, I didn't think Hakeem Nicks or Brandon Lloyd were the real deal.  Maybe I watch too much basketball.  They both sound like draft picks the Clippers would select, and never hear from again three years later.  Nicks and Lloyd are...sigh...the real deal.  They are beasts, plain and simple.  They have officially cracked the Top 10 list of must-start wide receivers. I'd start them both over Randy Moss (duh).  I'd start them both over Anquan, Colston, Smith(s) and Miles (sorry, Kitna [another Boras flop]). Hell, I'd start them over Jennings and Fitzgerald.
Putting all that bracketing and listing aside, you really only have one fear now when it comes to Lloyd and Nicks:

 The bug.  

Fortunately for you, both of these receivers have maintained a clean bill of health, and their quarterbacks have taken notice.  Start them with pride.  Trade them for monsters.  Keep them for...keeps.  
Here are my Top 10 must-start receivers, in no particular order.

Roddy White
Andre Johnson
Calvin Johnson
Hakeem Nicks
Brandon Lloyd
Greg Jennings
DeSean Jackson
Reggie Wayne
Larry Fitzgerald

Ok, that's 9...who am I leaving out?
OH YES. How could I forget?
He's the number one fantasy receiver in football.  He's also another victim of Boras-Misvaluing.  
Terrell-Fucking-Owens

Owens did an awesome Mime dance in the endzone last week.  Where did he do it?  THE ENDZONE.  It's the place he found twice in that boring loss to the boring Steelers.  TO has found that endzone 7 times this year.  That's 5 more times than his TV counterpart, Ochocinco.  Ocho has recently been dubbed Ochostinko on espn. HAHAHAHA GET IT?  OCHOSTINKO: because it rhymes!!  You know what Boras calls him?

G A R B A G E

Ocho is the Wes Welker of Cincy.  A great start, a glimmer of hope, and then absolutely, positively nothing.

Back to TO: the greatest fantasy wide receiver in the history of 2010.  
Who would have suspected he would be a Top 20 receiver, let alone #1?
Not many.

So is he really a must start, or has he just been getting lucky?  Let's break him down.
We'll forgive his first three weeks as an adjustment period, though he did manage 7 catches in his debut.
Here's what he's done for you recently:
4@Cle10222132
5TB7102118
6BYE----
7@Atl988116
8Mia565220
9Pit10141230


Yeah, that's right.  He's scored every week after his slow start.  He's averaging a buttload of catches.  A BUTTLOAD.  
If the amount of catches he's had were to be compared to a butt with, let's say...a pumpkin on it...it might look like this:

I love the internet.  
That pumpkin butt is huge, and that's what TO has been...I think is the point I'm trying to make.

If you have TO, you're a remarkable human being.  Or, you are a robot.  Either way, great job, Human/Robot.
As bizarre as it is to say Terrel-Fucking-Owens is the #1 receiver, I must say I'm proud of the guy.  Boras never forgets his friends, and TO did some great things for me.
Miss you, buddy. And you don't even have to say it back, because I know you miss me too.


Well, that's all from this fantasy SAMURAI. I've gotta slice up some prosciutto.



Hai.

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