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Friday, August 19, 2011

The Draft Cometh

I don't know what you're doing this Sunday.
You'll probably be sitting at home, convincing yourself to watch preseason football, and turning it off after the first two drives.  Mark Sanchez is boring enough in games that actually matter.
"This is how far I can throw it!"

I know what I'm doing this Sunday.
It's called Las Vegas, and I've heard the streets there are paved in gold. Most importantly, it is hosting my 2011 Fantasy Football Draft.

That's right. The Draft is right around the corner.  Have you prepared?  I sure haven't.
Instead I've decided to spend my time scaring you...WITH FEAR.

The following players will likely suffer from the following:  



1.  Sudden and extreme deterioration in skill

2.  Serious injury

3.  Lose their place on the depth chart

4.  Get arrested




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Michael Vick

You're a dick, Getty.

No, he's not going to get arrested.  That would be too obvious, and pretty funny.  Like the majority of people released from prison, he has turned his life around by immediately signing a multi-million dollar contract.  I think my facts are accurate.  Instead, you can expect Mike to suffer a serious (and likely terrifying) injury to his everywhere.  He's going to get demolished.  And he's going to throw like 20 interceptions.  And he'll actually probably get arrested again.
It's a bad year to be considered a #1 draft pick.

Adrian Peterson

Not meant to showcase the Eagles D.  They'll be mediocre.

Maybe it's because he's been such a workhorse.  Maybe it's because of his ankle.  Maybe it's because of the quarterback situation, and general "Uh, what do we have going for us next year?" atmosphere in Minnesota.  Whatever the reason, Adrian Peterson will be more like Adrian Peterson in 2011.  The sudden burst of speed down the sideline? Gone.  The frequent trips into the endzone?  Adios.  The casual 20 points he puts up every week? History.  AP is done.  You hear me?  He's done.


Maurice Jones-Drew

No one likes the bench, MJD. It's ok to be sad.

Sorry to all of you Jones-Drew owners, but he's going to lose his starting position to Rashad Jennings.  Maurice has been banged up for the last year, and his 4'9 body can't handle the beating like big people bodies. It's been a fun ride with Maurice.  He joined the NFL in 2006 and immediately became a consistent fantasy force.  Last year he could only muster 7 total touchdowns to Rashad's 4.  This year's numbers will be reversed.  MaJor Downer.

Calvin Johnson

You have to wear a suit in court.

Calvin Johnson will score 72 points in his first 3 weeks.  He will be targeted 54 times with 44 receptions.  You'll predict him breaking Randy Moss' touchdown record and having the greatest fantasy season of all time.  And then it will all shatter.  And no, I don't mean Matthew Stafford's arm.  
What I'm referring to is Calvin Johnson's arrest for running a weed farm in Northern Michigan.  Yup, arrested.  Lock it up.

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Projected Week 4 Status Report:


Michael Vick - Out for the season (Body)
LeSean McCoy - 6-8 weeks (Ribs)
Chris Johnson - 3-5 weeks (Holdout)

Peyton Manning - 1-2 weeks (Tickle fight with Eli)
Andre Johnson - 4-6 weeks (Concussion)
Adrian Peterson - DTD (Talent)

Jamaal Charles - Out for the season (Hype-itis)
Roddy White - 3-5 weeks (Julio Jones broke his ankles)
Maurice Jones-Drew - Questionable (Job Status)

Ray Rice - DTD (Contact high)
Larry Fitzgerald - 3-4 weeks (Boredom)
Aaron Rodgers - Rehab (Too much Super Blow)
Calvin Johnson - Career (Serving 10-20)





As always, feel free to post any questions or comments.  And make sure to answer the Poll at the top of the site.  Your input is needed so some can base their decisions on what others think.

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