Friday, October 15, 2010

Trade That Bitch Before She Steps Out

Sometimes, no matter how good a player is, you just don't want them on your team anymore.  They have their worst game when you need them the most, and that's the moment when you think, "I want to bitch slap the fuck out of him."
That's what we call a bitch slap.  A bitch slap for a bitch.  Remember the scene?  Here's the link:

Ari slapped him right out of HBO programming into Kay Jeweler's commercials.
If only your fantasy bitch would apologize like Adam "Played By The Best Actor in Hollywood" Davies.

There's no way to predict when a player is going to screw you over.  We're pure reactionaries in this game, and it's something we have to live with.  You can try and beat the system by going with your gut feelings, your sixth sense, your divine foresight.  More often than not, you end up trading them too early.  I'm not immune to it.  I do it every year. But I have a great way to mask it.  Remember: your mistakes look worse when they stand alone.  And that's why:

Lesson One:  Trade in volume
The more trades you make, the more you're bound to find a roster you're comfortable with.  There are dozens of starter-worthy players in this game, and whether you're in a league of 8, 10, or 12, you can easily mix and match your way into a fully decked out starting lineup.  Yeah, you may have a bench worthy of the waiver wire dregs, but if that is the sacrifice you've gotta make to have a decked out starting squad, so be it.  One bad trade isn't the end of the world if you've got 5 decent ones to balance it out.

Lesson Two:  Monitor Your Bye Weeks
Every year fantasy squads across the world suffer from Bye Week Panic.  Here are two options for you to ease the pain:
Option A) Research who in your league needs relief, exploit them, and stack your team with players with the same bye.  Chances are you're guaranteeing yourself a loss that week, but if you've played your cards right your team should be a monster.
Too difficult for you?  Or just too lazy to do the research? Then try:
Option B) Figure out which bye weeks will handicap you, and trade several weeks before they approach to mask your desperation.  Every league has 2-3 vigilant players, and 1-2 apathetic players.  The vigilant players will smell blood and demand more than you want to give.  The apathetic players simply won't give a shit enough to check their trade requests.  This means you need to act fast.  You may downgrade just a little, but bye week related trades are a lot like buying an airline ticket:  The longer you wait, the more expensive it gets.

Lesson Three:  They Are Only As Good As Their Stats
No matter how elite an NFL player has been in the past, when they suck, they suck.  Take Ochocinco - he has all the ability of a top 10 receiver.  In 2007 he was just that.  In 2008 he was god awful.  In 2009 he rebounded and was back to top 10 status. In 2010, he is awful once again.  Nothing has changed in his ability, so should you keep him?  Hell no.  Fantasy is all about the NOW.  If a star athlete is not contributing, ship them the fuck off your team.  
There are obvious exceptions.  If a player is off to a bad start but still touches the ball 50% of the time, you've got to ride it out.  I'm talking Chris Johnson, Ray Rice, Larry Fitzgerald status here.
But for those star athletes who just don't seem to be getting the ball like they normally do, it's time to say goodbye.  

In fantasy football, we are impulsive.  We are demanding.  We are impatient.  And we are ruthless.  Make that fucking trade before Ari has to slap another bitch: You.


  1. who do you like more for the rest of the season: Mendenhall or Run DMC?

  2. My first no-brainer from Mike!
    Mendy all the way.
    McFadden had a great start, but that hamstring has all but cost him his job. He has decent flex appeal (somewhere between Brandon Jacobs and Jonathan Stewart), but make no mistake that Michael Bush will be the workhorse back in Oakland.
    Mendenhall is going to continue to shine this season. He's the only back in Pittsburgh, and with Ben back you can expect an increase in deep bombs to Mike Wallace. That means plenty of pass interference calls, and plenty of goal line looks for Mendenhall. Play him till his legs fall off, Mr. Holm.

  3. Truly a no-brainer. I got a solid line up, I am just itching to trade for the sake of trading. Keep finding myself about to click accept on trades and then the voice of reason says "what the fuck are you doing? your team's legit." This was one of those moments.

  4. Feel free to hit me up with some more of those offers. Next step up from solid is dominant. If you've got the itch, try and pair one of your solid starters with a decent bench player to move up at a position.

  5. I am in a 10 team league, I am 3-3 which puts me at a tie for 5th place. Literally half my team is on bye week 8.

    A team itching to trade for CJ has Brees, Forte, Rice, M.Wallace, CalvinJ, B Lloyd and Dallas Clark.

    Another team wants Roddy White. He's got MJD, LT, and Schaub.

    Another team has Moss, Welker, and Malcom Floyd but desperately needs a RB.

    Let me know if you have any thoughts on that. Here's my roster as of today:

    QB Matt Ryan

    RB Chris Johnson

    RB Rashard Mendenhall

    RB/WR Peyton Hillis

    WR Hakeem Nicks

    WR Roddy White

    TE Dustin Keller

    Def ATL

    K Matt Bryant

    Carson Palmer QB
    Mike Vick QB

    Chad Ochocinco WR
    Roy E. Williams WR
    Anthony Armstrong WR

    Aaron Hernandez TE

    Cowboys Def


  6. Off the top of my head here...
    For itchy guy #1:
    Trade Chris Johnson and Keller for Ray Rice and Dallas Clark
    Clark will get more receptions than Keller and Hernandez, and Ray Rice will do about as well as CJ, and have more receptions. You end up getting the 2nd best tight end and a better PPR running back.
    If he's itching reaaaally bad you can add Megatron for Roy Williams
    So...Chris Johnson, Keller, Roy Williams FOR Ray Rice, Dallas Clark, Megatron

    Itchy guy #2
    Roddy and Ryan FOR Shaub and LT
    Your RB crew will be CJ/LT/Rashard (beastly) and you can feel comfortable starting Hakeem with a rejuvenated Roy Williams. This trade doesn't improve you too much though, as Hakeem isn't going to be as reliable as Roddy.

    Itchy guy #3
    Peyton Hillis for Moss or Welker is a good trade. Seeing as you're in a PPR league, I'd go with Welker.

    Try and make something happen with itchy #1

  7. Just made both itchy guy 1&2 offers. Included Roy and Megatron in the first deal. A little nervous, but I like it. If they accept I will deal Hillis. Then when Vick comes back I'll have more trade bait with either him or Schaub.