Who Is Your Daddy, And What Does He Do?

How is your fantasy team doing so far, Boras?

Arnie says it all.  I'm 2-2 on a 2 game losing streak.  Thanks for asking.  I have two of the top 6 preseason ranked running backs on my team.  They both rank outside the top 10 so far.  Ahmad Ali-Ackbar Muhammad Jihad Bradshaw is my highest ranked back.  What the fuck happened? 

Isn't fantasy AWESOME???

We've made it through four weeks, and as usual the Top 5 ranked players at each position are not even close to what we expected.  

Who the hell are these guys, and are they really this good?  Should I trade for them?  Should I make them my keeper?  Should I send them thank you cards in the mail and maybe some naked pictures?

Let's identify these players by rank, and give them the patented Tim's Actual Ranking (TAR) - With Explanations and Shit!

Up first...

Quarterbacks:

1:  Peyton Manning        TAR:  1

No doubt about it.  Peyton looks perfect.  His lone pick was an ESPN top play because it was ridiculously lucky.  The best part about Peyton this year: the Colts are mediocre.  The defense sucks and falls behind early.  The less-retarded looking Manning brother is going to air it out all year.

Worried about Joe Addai?  Don't be.  The running game is its usual middling self, and Austin Collie's pylon routes are the goal-line move.  So far this article looks like a waste of internet space...

2: Phillip Rivers          TAR: 5-6

Second best quarterback in the league...really?  With Vincent Jackson out who would have expected such delicious scoring from Rivers?  The three stooges (Floyd, Nannee, Davis) looked like trash the first two weeks.  Floyd has played well recently, but the main man in town has been Antonio Gates.  He looks like a homeless crackhead in Brooklyn catching Thanksgiving turkeys from Denzel.  Even with 50 guys around him he catches that ball.  Will Rivers finish second this year?  Doubtful.  But as long as Gates is playing out of his mind and running with two good knees you might as well enjoy.

3:  Michael Vick          TAR: 2

I won't give you all the sappy "What a comeback story" shit.  We're talking fantasy football, and I'm coming out and saying right now that if Vick can get healthy he is the second best fantasy quarterback.  He's my boy, and not just because he's on my fantasy team.  Ok, partly because of that, but mainly because he has looked insane.  I need a picture:

Damn it.  Bad choice.

He can run as well as ever, he can pass better than ever.  He isn't the most accurate but he has receivers that can go get it.  Make a play for him while he's injured - people may be worried Kolb is going to take his job.  He won't.  You heard it here.  

Hurry, before he drowns more puppies.

4:  Aaron Rodgers        TAR: 3-4

Not much to be said here.  Rodgers belongs.  If you're a Greg Jennings owner you're probably pretty pissed off he's getting the Randy Moss treatment.  Jennings is getting his TDs, but where are the targets?  They're where they've always gone - Donald Driver.  If you watch Wes Welker and Austin Collie and think, "Man, I need a guy like that," make a trade for Driver.  You can get him without giving up too much, and you'll find he's the best receiver option on the Pack.  Jermichael and Jennings will switch weekly on targets, but Driver always gets his.

5:  Kyle Orton           TAR: Uh....11? 

Didn't this guy used to back up Rex Grossman?  He's been playing well, and I bet Denver fans are really happy.  That makes Boras mad because he generally doesn't like Broncos fans.  All of his touchdown passes seem to go six yards.  For now, that's fine.  Ride it out like a fat chick when you're away from the crew.  But you'd better find yourself a more attractive option if you want to make it to the playoffs.  He's got big bust material.  This was supposed to be Joe Flacco's spot, and it still might be.  Don't expect Orton to stay ahead of Brees, Brady and Shaub for too much longer.  

Kyle Orton, man...doesn't that make you sick?

Tim's Week 5 QB Rankings:

1.  Peyton Manning

2.  Phillip Rivers

3.  Matt Shaub

4.  Drew Brees

5.  Tony Romo

6.  Aaron Rodgers

7.  Jay Cutler (Not Playing, But 0 is a huge increase from -3)

8.  Eli Manning

9.  Joe Flacco

10.  Kyle Orton

11.  Sam Bradford

12.  Matt Ryan